This is a piece I wrote in July 2015, 4 months after my baby's birth and 6 months before La Loba went from a blog to a business....
"But," I said, "I still feel like my body betrayed me. I kept her healthy. I ate well, I drank plenty of water, I exercised, and I was really good at deterring any anxiety while baby was in there. Okay, so I maybe I could have avoided a few deserts and I know I could have done more yoga. But through the Fall and those harsh Winter months I took really good care of me to take really good care of baby. I made sure all was well and we were starting out on a good foot. I did everything right. And still, my body betrayed me."
"Well," La Loba says, "this is something you had to go through. This is something you had to learn. There are many valuable lessons in this rare situation, especially if you are going to become a midwife as you were preparing."
"But," I plead, "why couldn't I learn of this rare disease as most providers do, in a book or literature review? This isn't fair. I'd give anything to start over. But what's worse is, they say there was nothing I could have done to prevent it and it's not even genetic. My body attacked herself... me... she stole my opportunity."
La Loba asks, "Your opportunity for what my dear?"
"My opportunity to roar! I only just recently realized how powerful and amazing by body could be. All this time, it was hidden from me. I was meant to take action, working with the forces of nature to bring my baby into this world. I am still waiting for that."
"But," La Loba reasons, "You DID participate. Armed with scientific knowledge that you and your baby would die without your action, you climbed up onto that operating table as the powerful goddess you are and did what had to be done."
"That's not how it was supposed to be!" I thunder. "I had to be passive once again. I wanted to learn through action! Instead, my body had me just laying there and after the baby was out, she almost let me die!"
La Loba chuckles slyly, "You know that you don't get to choose how you learn the lessons you need. Now THAT's a good lesson for a mamita to pass on." Then she booms, "Besides, death is nothing to fear! And you DID die! Don't you see it yet? Your old self is dead and gone, mija. Now it's up to you to create the new woman you will be. Instead of one birth, you got two; one for him and one for you."
"Okay, even if that's true, how am I supposed to help other women birth their babies the way I wanted to?"
La Loba speaks,"It is not about teaching a woman to birth through her vagina. This is not what will define their births as good or right. The right way to birth is by listening to me, La Loba, La Mujer Grande. I am you. I am them. I am their most powerful tool. You wrestled with me those last nights before you brought your baby into this world but in the end, you trusted me and that made all the difference. Women need to learn to trust themselves again and you know how to help them do that. You know you do. And the telling of your stories is a powerful place to start."